Life Aboard A Submarine…

Heres how to prepare for life aboard a Submarine..


1. Spend as much time as you can indoors during the daytime, stay out of direct sunlight. Go to work only before sunrise and come home after sunset.

2. Paint everything around you Sea Foam Green (Navy NSN Green, no substitutions) or Off-White to be sure you are living in a clean, happy environment. Every Friday, set an alarm on loud for a short, but hated, drill sound. Then get up and manned only with a bucket, sponge and a greeny. Clean one area over and over, even if it is already spotless.

3. Eat food that you can only get out of a can and requires water in order to eat it. Empty out your refrigerator and turn the temperature control down, turning the refrigerator into a freezer. Get rid of all fresh fruits and vegetables.

4. Repeat back everything spoken to you. Repeat back everything spoken to you.

5. Sit in your car for six hours at a time with the motor running. Keep hands on the wheel. But don’t leave your driveway. Log readings of your oil pressure, water temperature, speedometer and odometer every 15 minutes.

6. Put Lube Oil in your humidifier instead of water. Set it on high.

7. Buy a trash compactor; use it only once a week. Store the rest of the garbage in your bathroom.

8. Don’t watch movies except in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

9. Have the paperboy give you a standard Navy haircut.

10. Take hourly readings on your water and your electric meters. But only for a six hour period.

11. Sleep with your dirty laundry.

12. For you old mechanics, set your lawn mower in the middle of the living room while it is running. Only for six hours a day.

13. Invite guests but don’t prepare enough food for everyone. Serve food cold. Limit the time they sit at the table to 10 minutes.

14. Wake up at midnight every night and make a peanut butter sandwich, use stale bread. Better yet, make your own bread but cut 3 inch thick slices and use these. Optional: warm up some canned Ravioli or soup.

15. Make your family a menu for the week without knowing what food is in the cabinets.

16. Set your alarm clock for various times at night; adjust the volume to the maximum. When it goes off, jump out of bed, get your clothes on as fast as you can, run outside and grab the garden hose. Then go back to bed and do it all again when the alarm goes off.

17. Once a month take apart every appliance completely and then put them back together.

18. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 to six hours before drinking it.

19. Invite at least 85 people you really don’t like and have them stay for a couple of months.

20. Store your eggs in the garbage for two months and then cook a dozen each morning.


21. Have a fluorescent lamp installed under your coffee table and lie underneath it to read books.

22. Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key around your neck on a special chain.

23. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan when cooking. Use extra icing to level it off.


24. Every so often, yell "EMERGENCY DEEP!" run into the kitchen and sweep all pots, pans and dishes off of the counters onto the floor, and then yell at your wife for not having the kitchen area "Stowed for Sea!"

25. Put on the stereo headphones (don’t plug them in), go to the stove and stand in front of it. Say (to no one in particular) "Stove manned and ready" stay there for 3 to 4 hours. Say (once again and to no one in particular) "Stove secured", then role up your headphone cord and put them away.

26. Pull out your refrigerator and clean behind it for 4 hours and then put it back when you are done. Have your wife come and check every 10 minutes with a flashlight to see how you are doing.

27. When doing your laundry fill it only 1/3 full, sit in front of your washing machine in your underwear and read a book or magazine you’ve read at least 5 times before in the last week. When the wash is done, only run the dryer for half the normal time.

28. Fix-up a shelf in your closet that will serve as your bunk for the next six months. Take the door off of the hinges and replace them with curtains. While asleep, have family members shine a flashlight in your eyes at random intervals and say either "Sign this!" or "Sorry, wrong rack!"

29. If you can do these. You can do just about anything!